The Mourner's Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the
right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do.
So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell
what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the
right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out
others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often
as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like
talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the
right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are
just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief
journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for
example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to
heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings
without condition.
4. You have the
right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave
you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are
telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow
others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the
right to experience “griefbursts.”
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may
overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and
natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it
out.
6. You have the
right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death
of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of
caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to
mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals
such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the
right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that
seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who
understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry
at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your
feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the
right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die?
Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers,
but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some
people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or
"Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and
you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the
right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after
the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of
ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share
them.
10. You have the
right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly.
Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and
tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and
intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must
forget that the death of someone loved changes your life
forever.